Fake Darcy, let's just get into it.
Well geez Joe, I wonder if you maul your dates as well. All right, let’s go…
1) What's it like to know you gave out over 100 million dollars in contracts this summer?
It feels good to be able to help the economy. With the help of Big T, I am a one-man recession buster. Of course, Tyler and the younger players will use their newfound fortune to line the pockets of Microsoft’s X-Box division.
2) Of the Sabres newest additions, who is the biggest key in the team's success?
Noreen DeWulf-Miller. She has the herculean task of keeping Millsy happy. Good luck with that.
3) What did you do on Slug Appreciation Day?
I tried to get some kind of rebate for my goat head Sabres merchandise. No dice. Be sure to check out my Craigslist listing as well as my eBay store if you want a smoking deal on some black and red.
4) How instrumental were you in getting giant-screen TVs in the bathroom?
Nacho cheese runs right through you, if you know what I mean.
5) Why did you guys change the name of the arena?
It’s not like we chose to randomly change the name to the First Niagara Center. We were looking for companies with a cool double entendre acronym and F-N Center seemed like such a good fit. If there was a “See U Next Tuesday” Cheeseburger stand in Buffalo, they would have had my vote.
6) What is the goal for the team this year?
Cup or Bust. (Do I say period here or is it understood that that was the end of my statement?)
7) Lets be honest, I have a feeling that Ted Black is starting to take away your spotlight. Are you concerned about him?
Not really. I don’t even think he has a fake Twitter account. He is still playing catch-up. This is my town. Why, have you seen him on public access TV yet or is that still the only place his mug hasn’t been?
8) How did you negotiate the Tyler Myers deal?
On Skype. We have really come a long way in the last 6 months technologically-speaking. J.P. Barry is a shrewd negotiator, but he took the deal just miliseconds before he got a big dose of white lightning.
9) I find it kind of funny that in years past, you would always complain about how other GMs were back or frontloading contracts. Now, that seems to be the norm. What has changed your mind?
Hypocrisy. I am the world’s biggest hypocrite, always have been. I told my kids not to run with scissors, but if I was in a hurry and was carrying scissors, I would run. Do as I say Burkie, not as I do.
10) Who will be the captain?
I can tell you who it won’t be: Derek.
11) What is your take on Derek Roy's Twitter page?
It’s an embarrassment, bro. Bro, we tried to keep his immaturity under wraps but, bro, it’s out there now. If I ever give him another contract, I am writing a $500 fine into it for every “bro” he tweets. I think it would be nice to donate the millions in fines to a nice charity. Maybe even establish one…”Bros for Former Hoes' Women’s Shelter” or something to that effect.
12) Who will lead the team in goals?
Staffsy. I expect to get 40 from him.
13) Who will lead the team in assists?
Derek. There are a lot of new guys in the locker room and he knows all the cool spots to hit. The rookies would be wise to hang around him after games.
14) Will the Sabres win the division?
Is Lindy balder than me? Am I the best GM in the league? Is Teddy Black a media whore? Of course, of course, of course and ridiculously of course.
15) What should be the Sabres first line?
What’s a nice girl like you doing at a place like this…?
16) Can you tell us what the new locker room looks like?
Man cave. If Sully wants an outline of his body in the middle of the floor, tell him to step on the Buffalo again.
17) Did your office get a makeover? I mean, it would only seem fair.
No. It got pimped.
18) Since the Pegula family seems to be really involved with the Sabres, how about getting your family involved? Actually, do you even have a family or are you just a robot that chills in the closet from 10pm-6am?
I come to work to get away from the family, doesn’t everyone? Actually, it’s hard to troll for chicks when your old lady is in tow. My kids don’t even know I have a Twitter account.
19) Who is on the current hit list?
New season, new list. I’ve got my eyes on the paper and other media sources, but they all seem to be toeing the line since we invited bloggers into the fold. I see Sully’s on Twitter. I’ve got my eye on him especially now that the Bills are 2-0. Because of this, I know that somewhere he is developing a negative column about us. If not us, then maybe rip the UB football team for not joining the SEC or something. I’m watching you Sully….
20) Any chance Kotalik makes the team?
We’ve put “KOTALIK” in duct tape on the back of his preseason sweater, if that’s any indication.